How to Channel Your Inner Bro Dude: A Strong Island Satire
“Haha, you are nothing but a nOOb! Your mom is so fat…… WTF I call bulsh*t on that kill. You just got lucky that’s all.”
Behold the bro dude, the most infamous and possibly hated type of “gamer” out there. Our subjects usually wear polo shirts, sports jerseys or other articles of clothing that are considered “douchey”. This specimen can also be seen with an abundance of chips, soft drinks and any snack that will “fuel” them until the next round where they can reintroduce themselves to your mother for the 75th time in a row. This “gamer” is often a spectacle for us non “bro dude” gamers that are completely aware that this person sits comfortably in their parents basement while waiting for their mommy to deliver them a freshly baked Digiorno pizza. I know you all have questions such as; how do I tell my friend that he is a “bro dude” gamer without hurting his feelings? and What signs do I look for to avoid becoming the “bro dude”? Why am I using so many quotation marks and can I get a slice of that pizza? All these questions will be answered and more.
First, I just want to go over a few facts-
There is that one time of year where many of us come out of the “bro” closet. Now, I know it is tough to hear, but this is true. While it may not be a complete coming out, there are a few defining signs of broism. During the fall months there is a new release of a popular franchise, which I won’t name names, but it rhymes with… Call of Duty. This unnamed franchise brings this trait out in many a gamer, myself included. Here are some of the symptoms and how to prevent permanent transbromation.
1. Know and study the signs well to prevent yourself from fully transbroming.
- You notice an over abundance of junk/fast food suddenly makes an appearance in your house without recalling how it got there.
- “Sleep” becomes a dirty word while others such as sh*t, f&@^, co*k and many more that contain four letters form your every day language. During this season it is best to avoid direct contact with any of your co workers. Well, unless they are fellow CoD players and believe me, they will let you know.
- You haven’t left your house since around mid November and when you do……you don’t.
- Your Family sends out a missing persons report from having zero contact with the person they used to call “son”…or “daughter” in the case that you are female and for those who have no parents, “Batman”.
- Speech that isn’t limited to four letters are often spoken with a dialect that only few can understand. Words such as WTF, Sup, Bro, Sick, the aforementioned “nOOb” and others that I, myself do not even comprehend.
2. Mentally prepare yourself and everyone you love for the long fall and winter months ahead for it will be made even colder by your lack of love and affection. If you have been in a relationship for more than a year, then your significant other knows what to expect, if not…good luck. The best way to break it to her is to buy her jewelry or a brand new car. A marriage proposal will always win them over. They will be too busy planning for the wedding to care about your time with the bros. Oh, you think its too early in the relationship for marriage? Well then… um, this topic has clearly not been planned out even a little.
3. Limit your playtime from 10 hours a night to roughly 9.5 hours a night. This will drastically improve your sleep patterns while showing your loved ones that you are willing to make a sacrifice in the name of love.
4. Devote an entire weekend day to the unnamed video game series’ multi-player to make the weekday limit of play more bearable.
5. Lastly, just enjoy the game!
So, how do you avoid this transbromation? Well, the thing is, you can’t. It is something that is in all of us no matter how calm or ill tempered one may be. This is a beast that stirs inside just waiting for fresh blood to feast on. This blood just so happens to be in the form of Mountain Dew: Code Red. They still make that, right? There is one way of preventing a complete transformation, however. Refrain from over using the term “bro” as a play on words for other words. I will give only a few samples of words to avoid when partaking in the online gaming experience-
Brotato, Brobocop, Broseidon, Eat at Bros, Bro.J Simpson, Bromeo, Edgar Allen Bro, Bro my God, Brobi Wan Kenobi, Broseph Stalin, Bro Montana. The Lord of the Bros: The Fellowship of the Bro.
These are only a few of the terms that will be thrown at you over the course of your play time.
There are so many “haters” out there and for what? Just to say that they are better than everyone? No, these are “gamers” that really need to take a step back and reevaluate themselves. These online multi-player video games are here to stay and are only becoming more prevalent in the gaming world. Yes, of course there are those who will shout obscenities from the top of their lungs to insult you in the most degrading way possible, but that is what the mute button is for. If you don’t like shooting countless enemies in the face until your team wins or loses, then by all means, don’t play, but that doesn’t mean you have to hate. Don’t hate the game, hate the… nothing. Just play games and have fun!
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